...So I'll Play My Part

"But I've read the script and the costume fits, so I'll play my part." 

- Jeremy Fraites / Simone Felice / Wesley Schultz

A good friend of mine, one of the best really - the kind who has your back in such a wide variety of circumstances, and has been there on the dark days and on the light ones, recently pointed out while we were on the way to a Lumineers concert that the aforementioned line from their song Cleopatra were some of his favorite song lyrics. I've thought about that line, and what simple genius writing that it is a few dozen times since then, and it hits every single time.

Cinderella Costume Design, 2016

I lived my life that way for a really long time. I think my creative spirit thought that I was an individual who did things my own way, but hindsight is a bitch, and time really does tell all tales. I spent years trying my best to identify what part I was playing, and to play it the best of my ability. I think we all play these parts - the good kid, the responsible student, the go-getter, the valuable employee. We want to be seen in that way, or we know that there are things that we must do, and want is quickly and rightfully trumped by need, so we follow the rules that go along with playing that role in the situations that we're in. It's pretty much unavoidable, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

In recent moments of reflection, and there have been a few too many of those these last few years, I've noticed how I did that relating to my creative output though, and that's not conducive
 to the most authentic creativity. I'd work on projects that I thought might lead to a desired outcome. I'd work toward an expectation. I'd try to strategically move along a pre-determined course. That's not how art works. Not mine anyway. That's never how mine has worked. When I was formulaic early in college, I almost became a graphic designer - A GRAPHIC DESIGNER! I had to move into something that felt like I was using my voice, to speak my truth before I got it right.

So I spent years on pursuits that followed a cycle that doesn't work, not in the way that I want it to. I'd think about how to be "a painter" I needed to create work that would show well, or sell well, and then I'd work toward that, but because my heart wasn't really in it, I'd lose interest and wander off the the most available distraction. In reality, the best working model for me is to take the things that I know I need to say and communicate those in a really honest way. But I knew that.

It's amazing how old lessons don't always stay learned. It's also amazing how when we surround ourself with the right energy, what it can lead us to.